As a woman with curly hair that would make Mother Teresa lose her religion, I am no stranger to trying every hack out there designed to make my hair more socially acceptable.
I tried the “plop” method where I wrapped my hair in a soft t-shirt and slept overnight in it, giving me soft, yet still sociopathic curls.
My friend, humor author and proffessah of English, Dr. Gina Barreca, who has beautiful curly hair and wears it with pride and pizzazz, gave me this advice when I was whining about my curly hair: “Sleep in a scrunchie!”
If you read that in a Brooklyn accent, it’s even better advice.
I tried the scrunchie advice and it works. However, it did something to my bangs that I can only describe as dazed and confused. When I explained the problem with my bangs, she gave me a response not publishable in a family newspaper, but it had nothing to do with hair.
So I continued my search for the perfect panacea for curly and crazy hair.
Enter some device invented to give a woman “perfect beach curls.”
Of course I bought it, copiously read the instructions and began the process of looking like I was running along the beach at the age of 30, only with a 50 year old body.
This …. device …. resembles a long, padded Slim Jim that you place over your noggin like a halo and lovingly wrap every strand of your hair around it, then sleep.
I fully expected to wake up the next morning ready for an audition for Baywatch, The Golden Years.
It was not to be.
After I wrapped the halo with my damp hair, my husband was surprised to find me reading a book, and walked around me in a wide path with his signature “Please, dear God, no” look on his face.
I said, “That’s right, big man. You’re sleeping with Princess Leia tonight.”
And he did, but he didn’t wake up with her.
He woke up with me, who looked like I had gotten a perm around a bowl placed over my skull. It was decidedly not sexy, and neither Luke Skywalker nor David Hasselhoff would have any part of it.
The epic battle between good and evil continues to play itself out on top of my head, while the peace treaty with my hair rages on.