In the Fold

I didn’t even know the world had burned down over the weekend until Monday morning.

I didn’t know because I didn’t look at Twitter most of the weekend; and I didn’t look at Twitter because I was busy fondling my clothing.

You read that right.

For clarification, the world burns down every weekend according to Twitter, I just chose not to watch this time.

As far as the clothes fondling, it’s not near as nefarious as it sounds and a good bit less interesting than coming up with the perfect 140 characters to address the recurring issue of burning down of the world.

But, to be more useful in this life, I spent the weekend cleaning out my closet.

No, my closet is not that big. It’s that messy, or I should say, it was. And if I know me – and I do – it will be again.

This past weekend is what I call my semi-annual pilgrimage to my personal Wizard of Oz, a glimpse of the Mecca of an organized life.

Midway through the pilgrimmage, I had the bright idea that I could probably fold my t-shirts and stretch pants (home team uniform) in a neater manner than my patented cram-them-in-there-and sort-it-out-later method.

 

My previous method, defined

I turned to YouTube for advice on this uncomfortable thought.

YouTube is where people like me go to find out about such foreign  concepts and it took me to Japan where I met a woman named Marie Kondo who according to YouTube, revolutionized clothes folding.

Thereafter, I spent two and a half hours, “smoothing the fabric, communicating my affection and gratitude to my clothes (this is very important according to the video),  fondling my shirts and generally feeling creepy.

My t-shirts were felt, thanked and folded with a love that can apparently only be found in Japan. I like to think I will continue this method, but history tells me this is the only love my folded shirts will feel all season. I hope they enjoyed it, a lot.

In fact, I have a date with my favorite vintage Nike t-shirt (c. 1980)  this weekend because we talked and decided to try again.

I saved the shirt folding for last, because having known myself my entire life, I knew I would need a good, stiff drink after all that human-fabric emotional entanglement. Also, Adele was heavy on the playlist that got me through it, so I toasted her as I leaned back against the shelf of properly-thanked and folded shirts.

Then, I tweeted a picture of how I cleaned up my world.

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50 Years, 10 Things

This week is homecoming week in my hometown of Iowa Park, Texas. Working at the local newspaper, where I write a column, I decided I had written no less than 15 columns about homecoming tradition and mums. This year will be different, I said. This year I will write about something that has nothing to do with homecoming, I said. I succeeded. Mostly.

A great friend of mine was talking this week about the greatest inventions of his lifetime that he couldn’t live without.

This got me to thinking …. I like stuff. And, I like a lot of stuff that came into this world in the last 50 years.

Much like the freak flags I wrote about last week, the items you can’t live without say a lot about you like how vain, intellectual and lazy you are.

In that spirit, I created a list of the top 10 things that came into being during my lifetime that I would rather not be without. Don’t judge me.

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10. Pinterest – No where else on earth will you find a better representation of stuff  in one place you will never cook, can’t afford to buy, places you will never go, and advice you won’t follow. Pinterest is a multi-level lesson in procrastination. But a girl can pin herself into denial, right?

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9. DVR (Digital Video Recorder) – Because I can’t always be home when The Voice is on.

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8. Camera Phone – Two words: Anthony Weiner. Actually, it’s one of my favorite things because it started a trend of taking pictures of things that no one would have considered capturing for all time when we had to wait a week to have film developed – namely, your dinner, bottle of beer and feet. It’s endlessly entertaining.

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7. GPS for Cars – Aside from the fact that I am directionally challenged, nothing pleases me more than the soothing British accent of the GPS lady who is admonishing me while I’m lost in a strange city during rush-hour traffic.

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6. YouTube – Because, funny cat videos.

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5.  iTunes – The best thing to happen to recorded music – no records or CDs to scratch, and 8-tracks and cassettes to melt. It’s the best way to seamlessly transition from Frank Sinatra to Led Zeppelin. Speaking of which,

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4. Led Zeppelin.

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3. Straightening Iron – Without it, people would get me and Ted Nugent confused. And nobody wants that.

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2. Birth Control Pill – I wanted two children. I had two children.

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1. Spanx – A slimming undergarment for women (and now for men!) it’s primary goal to make you look skinnier, and a secondary goal of squeezing your internal organs until you whimper, “uncle.” I love these so much more than my intestines do.

Lots of things didn’t make the Top 10 list, like the smoke detector (saves lives and dinner); the movie Animal House, and the first five seasons of Saturday Night Live.

Hawk Football and Iowa Park Homecoming is not on that list because it has been going on for much longer than 50 years, and you don’t want to read yet again about the triple mum I got my junior year in high school that came with free visits to the chiropractor and required a winch truck to hoist it onto my bosom.

But, welcome home to all of you in Iowa Park this Homecoming weekend. I hope to run into many people I rarely get to see anymore. In case you don’t recognize me, I’ll be the skinny woman who doesn’t look a thing like Ted Nugent.

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