I spent the last week doing what a lot of people around here have been enjoying lately – having an extended and unplanned out-of-body experience.
Nope, we aren’t new age freaks, we’re just in the epi-center of an epidemic of flu, strep throat, or a mutant form of viral cold, and any combination thereof.
I, thank the Dude, fell into the latter category so I could move around and stuff but I couldn’t feel myself doing it.
Except for the water boarding, which I’ll get to later. I could feel that.
Ever-thankful I have so far escaped the flu (knock on all wood, forever), this thing I’ve had carries it’s own set of rituals.
First, sleep. So much sleep. For a few days, I was averaging about 14 hours of relative unconciousness.
Second, self-inflicted water boarding which is the antithesis of sleep, but necessary in exorcizing the demons. Each day I would do this to myself by way of something you can legally purchase at a drug store called a Neti Pot.
I call it a snot genie, but whatever.
It flushes out anything within a 6-inch radius of your nose that may be harboring snot, but not before it takes you on an epic journey right up to the brink of death by self-drowning.
Seriously, you haven’t lived until you watched yourself do this in a bathroom mirror, my only survival technique was to pant like a dog. Again, this was the only time last week I was consciously in my body and it isn’t a pleasant memory.
Third, I poured. A lot.
I poured saline water into the snot genie, then into my face.
I poured cough medicine with codeine down my throat.
I poured a few cups of NyQuil and learned to love it.
I poured a shot of Crown. Maybe more, who was counting?
Each time I poured, I quickly toasted to the quick return of health to all the people with the flu and strep, and for those who have avoided it, because I knew if I didn’t hurry I would soon be unconscious.
But if you do get this stuff, may the pours be with you.