God Bless the Bloated Road

It’s not often a person can brag they went around the world in a month, but here we are.

It wasn’t just me, but my entire family that went on this journey and we never left our kitchens.

I left December a few pounds heavier after the culinary road trip that took us to Germany, Italy, Mexico, Brazil, and of course, the deep south.

Every year at Christmas my family picks a food theme that will cleanse our collective palates of turkey.

This year we chose Mexican food, and my Mom’s house was full of tacos, enchiladas, guacamole, queso, enchiritos and sweets – all homemade. We are amazing when we travel together, and even moreso when we cook together.

Nobody messed up, and there will be nobody to bring paper goods to the next event, so we’ll probably travel to the Sandwich Islands next year.

A week later, the culinary adventure continued in South Carolina when my daughter (who is not Italian, that I know of) greeted us the first night there with her homemade spaghetti. The next night they took us to Brazil with some great steaks, then off to Germany when my son-in-law made Schnitzel.

When it was my turn for the trip’s itinerary, I chose our roots.

This means I went all the way to the redneck branch of the family that likes to sit on the porch with our crazy and a mason jar full of … homemade (of course) beverages.

That’s right, my leg of the trip wasn’t to a glamorous place, unless you consider banjos elegant dinner music. I took us to the woods where Spam and potatoes are fried together openly and with no shame whatsoever.

And it was good, as long as you don’t consider my husband’s opinion about Spam and the people who eat it.

We ran out of year before he could take us to his country where the food is brown and vegetables that aren’t spelled p-o-t-a-t-o are not on the menu.

It just occured to me what I really got for Christmas. Pounds – delicious ones and a lot of them. And I have just enough time to get into shape before our next trip.

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I gave peas a chance. Peas gave me the finger.

   Last week, likely as a palate cleanser before the next move of a Kardashian was reported on the news, the question of whether or not to add green peas to guacamole became the hot topic across the nation.

There aren’t many things that can give my palate a good scrubbing after the Kardashians, and peas are not on the list. In fact, peas are right up there with the Kardashians in that I don’t consider them at all.

At least until they are talked about constantly on the news.

The New York Times published a recipe for guacamole made with the added and might I say, unnecessary ingredient, green peas. This caused a ruckus.


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It also caused several online polls, tweets, hashtags and general mayhem in the foodie community.

Inexplicably, it was like the New York Times was trying to say to everyone in America, “Give Peas a Chance.”

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No.

While I can give peace a chance – and a fairly big one – I cannot extend that same courtesy to peas.

The recipe left avocado lovers insulted, and green pea haters a little vomit-y, I’m not going to lie.

Most of the people who are against it aren’t against the peas so much as they are against the peas being so intimate with the avocados. Not me, I’m really against the peas. Let’s be clear about that.

I use to like green peas, only because until I was four years old I thought they were vegetables.

I remember sitting at a tiny table at lunchtime next to some girl, and just after I took a large bite of some delicious green peas, she gave me the first truth bomb of my life.

“You know, don’t you, that peas are just little green bugs with their legs pulled off?”

I died a little inside, but not before I spit every single little green bug back onto my plate.

To this day, I don’t eat green peas.

My children never ate green peas that I prepared at home. Nor did they eat Brussels sprouts, liver and onions or Pringles potato chips. Why? Because I don’t like them. And, if I don’t like them or if they happen to remind me of little green bugs with their legs pulled off, my kids weren’t eating them either.

I gave peas a chance. And peas gave me the finger.

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