It’s been a weird couple of weeks, y’all

It’s been a weird couple weeks, y’all. 

We’ve had a whirlwind of new words, inexplicably redundant health foods and silent assaults.

First, I found out two things I did not know.

“Covfefe” is a word. 

I don’t know what the definition is because its meaning is known only to an elite few as well as God, who is undoubtably shaking His head slowly right now. Also, in case you think this is fake news, it is officially worth 18 points in Scrabble and accepted in Words with Friends. So there.

In other news, organic Gatorade exists. I only know this because I saw it on the Ibotta app on my phone, right there next to the Twinkies. 

I offer no opinion on why one would want to make electrolytes more organic, just letting you know in case you have a condition that requires organic electrolytes or something.


But the news that is likely to resonate with locals is even more alarming. After a 20-odd year absence, buffalo gnats are back.

That’s right, those tiny flies on hallucinogens and steroids have returned to our neck of the woods with their toxic saliva.

If you you do not know what a buffalo gnat is, it is a regular gnat on steroids, whose bite can leave a baseball-sized welt if you happen to be allergic to buffalo gnat spit. 

(Note: this is not a scientific explanation. I didn’t even Google it.)

Buffalo gnats, in my estimation, are the mafia of the flying insect world. 

They swoop in and leave you battered on the curb, with a new determination to buy some Skin So Soft. Also, nobody ever sees what happened.

I still remember the great buffalo gnat invasion of the 1990’s. So many people were allergic to them it looked like Iowa Park had an epidemic of domestic violence. I saw burly men with their eyes swollen shut; people with swollen lips and ears, and God knows what else.

Golfers cracked the code on this one, and found that Avon’s Skin So Soft is a deterrent, and yet smells so good. Golfers are a motivated bunch when an insect they can’t even see makes them look like they switched from the putting green to a boxing ring. 

Luckily, buffalo gnat spit and me are copacetic, but I have a friend who looks like she owes Avon some money.

Twitter as my witness, the weird weeks aren’t over. I can almost covfefe it.

*You are welcome Avon distributors, and by the way, one of you please come see me.It’s been a weird couple weeks, y’all. 

We’ve had a whirlwind of new words, inexplicably redundant health foods and silent assaults.

First, I found out two things I did not know.

“Covfefe” is a word. 

I don’t know what the definition is because its meaning is known only to an elite few as well as God, who is undoubtably shaking His head slowly right now. Also, in case you think this is fake news, it is officially worth 18 points in Scrabble and accepted in Words with Friends. So there.

In other news, organic Gatorade exists. I only know this because I saw it on the Ibotta app on my phone, right there next to the Twinkies. 

I offer no opinion on why one would want to make electrolytes more organic, just letting you know in case you have a condition that requires organic electrolytes or something.

But the news that is likely to resonate with locals is even more alarming. After a 20-odd year absence, buffalo gnats are back.

That’s right, those tiny flies on hallucinogens and steroids have returned to our neck of the woods with their toxic saliva.

If you you do not know what a buffalo gnat is, it is a regular gnat on steroids, whose bite can leave a baseball-sized welt if you happen to be allergic to buffalo gnat spit. 

(Note: this is not a scientific explanation. I didn’t even Google it.)

Buffalo gnats, in my estimation, are the mafia of the flying insect world. 

They swoop in and leave you battered on the curb, with a new determination to buy some Skin So Soft. Also, nobody ever sees what happened.

I still remember the great buffalo gnat invasion of the 1990’s. So many people were allergic to them it looked like Iowa Park had an epidemic of domestic violence. I saw burly men with their eyes swollen shut; people with swollen lips and ears, and God knows what else.

Golfers cracked the code on this one, and found that Avon’s Skin So Soft is a deterrent, and yet smells so good. Golfers are a motivated bunch when an insect they can’t even see makes them look like they switched from the putting green to a boxing ring. 

Luckily, buffalo gnat spit and me are copacetic, but I have a friend who looks like she owes Avon some money.

Twitter as my witness, the weird weeks aren’t over. I can almost covfefe it.

*You are welcome Avon distributors, and by the way, one of you please come see me.

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